i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
