actually, I'm a sock model
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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