Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my phone needs a breathalizer
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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