onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
