There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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