just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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