if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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