he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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