literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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