Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
