There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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