Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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