Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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