his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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