why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
