I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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