i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
