Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
