Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just puked most of my soul out..
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
