You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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