new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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