I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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