I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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