No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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