when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
