I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
