well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
