I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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