a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm too high and old for this...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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