I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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