I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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