I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She needs sedatives and a leash
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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