You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
