If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
