Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
