I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
