I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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