Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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