the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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