ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
