I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.