Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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