I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
