yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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