i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
