I accidentally burped into my bong.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
