i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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