Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
