508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
