There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
