90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
