I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
