If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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