I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
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I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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