i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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