Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize