Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
