When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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