Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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